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Friday, January 26, 2007
rawr i miss obs. dagama!
i want obs again. sherlyn and i saw daniel! but we didnt say hi because we didnt dare to. sulyn did though lucky her =D
why doesnt rjc let us go to obs instead of having ogs. D:
"LET ME GO TO OBS AGAIN" PEILING DEMANDS.
peilings feeling okay now so dont worry. but whatever it is, i'll never forget ashley. and all our crazy ideas about how when i grow up i'll go visit her in america and we'll go jamming together and what not. im just sorry i was never online when you were because of the time difference and all. you'll be remembered. yes she committed suicide.
ive got so many thoughts and questions on suicide but im too lazy to pen them down so rawr.
the whole church issue is bugging me once again. i was able to push it out last year because i was really busy but now that schools just started, im free and so yeah. i mean ive been in zion for quite a while, and somehow i know it's not the place for me [at least not now]. and it doesnt help that i keep comparing it with bc like bc youths vs zion youths. and i end up feeling very homesick [bc's my home eh] and i just cant wait to get out of zion. the people in my yd's nice. the teachers are nice. but it's just... i dont know. the whole environment and all. and yes anything is that zion is so big. too big for my liking. zion bishan + zion serangoon = no thanks man.
if it doesnt improve by the end of the year, im rather positive that i'll go source for a church, visit it and if i find it's the place for me, settle down. bc youths have asked me why would go to some other church but not bc. honestly i dont know. but there's just something in me that tells me that my "job" is done in bc so-to-speak. ive done my part, ive seen revival. im convinced that God wants me to go somewhere else. it may turn out to be zion after all, or it may be somewhere else. by saying that ive done my part, no im not going to break all ties with bc, that's like crazy and ridiculous. but it just means that it's time for me to go somewhere else. i hate to say that but i guess ive gradually learnt to accept it. which is why im slowly letting go of my responsibilities- yes my dear p6s last year, that's why faith is taking you guys now instead of me. no doubt there's still this thing within me that screams "i want to go back to bc!" but i dont know... and yes why do i wait until the end of the year. because if my sister goes over to uk, it'll be somewhere in september. and kor will most probably enter ns next jan. so it'll be me and my parents. and the whole family thing wont exactly stand after all, so i guess i shall just talk to them towards the end of the year. perhaps go visit someone's church/ go join someone's youth camp and see how it goes/ source for an entirely new church.
but ive got pray and really ask for God's guidance as to firstly the most important question whether i should go/ remain in zion. and later on if im supposed to go, where should i go- back to bc? or somewhere else?
on a lighter note, im glad that im talking more to sulyn now. much more. and im glad i managed to email her before my pride set in and all. sulyns most prob joining gb [tell me there's no quota for a batch please] so yeah, im glad that i'll be able to see her more and talk to her more too. and sherlyns sitting next to me now so yes i can talk to her (: and ask the pro one questions when i dont understand =D yay for sulyn and sherlyn.
ive been emailing/ snail mailing people whom ive not been keeping much contact with for the past year[s]. it was one of my new year resolution. and im proud to say im more than halfway through my list of people yay. it's tiring and can be exhausting but oh well (:
simplicity.
*****
Monday, January 22, 2007
it's times like this that i wished my parents made the decision to move over to america.
im sorry ashley. im so sorry.
you'll never see this. never. it's too late huh.
man just when i thought i got over the stage of hiding my emotions.
here i am typing some emo post and having a thousand and one thoughts run through my head while im on msn talking to people and going "hahah".
reminiscing way too much. but im missing so many things, places, and most of all people.
what's wrong with me man.
how about everything eh peiling.
simplicity.
*****
Friday, January 05, 2007
went for zion's watchnight service. started thinking during the message [although the way that guy spoke was a little weird. and his story on the duck and the peacock took up a lot of time]. God has been gracious no matter what. despite all my pride and all, He has chosen not to cast me aside, but to bring me back to Him according to His time. i mean honestly, if i was Him and i met someone like myself, i would have said something like "you think you can survive without me? ha, okay, you can fend for yourself for the rest of your life. i will have the last laugh." but God is merciful isnt He?
fetched jie's yd friend home. then i went to bc for choc party and stayover! it was great. i mean free choc = very happy youths. and because of the choc we were all feeling high and as usual sleepover means we'll have no sleep =D was great catching up with them, and we had sharing sessions and all. it's encouraging seeing how God has been working in the youths. i never planned to share at all, but i did in the end. cant really remember what i said though. it was along the lines of the first para of this post, but with a lot more details and elaboration and what not. bridge, daidee, basketball, soccer, jamming, talking, sitting at the playground looking at the stars etc. that was how we spent the early morning of year 2007. sec4 farewell. it was okay, but wasnt as emo as last year. i think the atmosphere just wasnt there. and it didnt feel like farewell, more like just another gb meeting. and so many people didnt turn up rawr. but all of us will miss them during camps, definitely rawr.
the first week of school [though technically it's only 3 days] has been pretty good. ive been switching off my phone at 10.30 these few days [see matt i listened to you] and trying to sleep by 12. but i cant sleep well, as in i will think like "oh no what happens if someone is trying to clal me and cant get through" "what if someone needs to just talk to someone" and i'll be worrying all the way through. but anyway. threefourteen! we have 4 mainers in class, but they're nice so haha, i like threefourteen other than the fact that we have 6 prefects. rawr being a prefects tough though. but yes as i was saying we've got nice people, who are smart and pro. but it's okay, no pressure (: 2007's looking pretty good so far. but it's only the 5th day of the year.
watched death note 2 with zhiyu and jan today. i like death note 1 and 2 [i should just call them death notes] because of the plot, the storyline. not because of "oh L and light/ kira's so hot". this whole issue about justice, ends justifying the means and all. my sister gave me an unexpected question when i got home "if you had the death note would you use it?" frankly yes if that really happened, the temptation might just prove too great to resist. but no i dont agree with it. sounds great doesnt it, creating a crime-free world and killing those who get away when they're supposed to die. but there's more to it than "killing the bad guys", i mean just look at light for example. i dont doubt that his intentions were good, he realised the law wasnt as perfect as he thought it was, so he wanted to give them "what they deserved". reasonable isnt it? but gradually he had to kill innocent people- the fbi agents, the fbi agent's girlfriend, his girlfriend [in death note 1] and a lot more in death note 2. and what shocked me most, i mean not shocked me most because i expected that but ugh anyway. was that he was prepared to kill his dad. it's no longer him controlling the death note, but the death note controlling him. get what i mean? it's easy to lose control of the power or authority given to you, until it's not you using the power, but the obsession with the power [whether it's good or bad] manipulating you. okay i dont think im making much sense because im being very incoherent.
i think one major failure in the year 2006 is my handling relationships. i know there are people who look at me and think that im perfect and maintaining relationships with everyone whom i know, i never lose touch with people etc. [i know because they have told me before about how they envied me for being able to do all those] ive never felt like a failure when it comes to relationships. but no, somehow last year it just went haywire. everyone seemed to be in some kind of trouble, needing help. my attention was divided and so i couldnt focus on one person, and towards the end i just didnt have anymore energy left because i was drained. i managed to help some, and im sorry to the rest of you. and because i felt so tired, i just didnt have the energy to you know constantly keep in touch with those i know, like just to catch up with them, how they're doing. im sorry to every single one whom ive neglected in one way or another. and it's scary, because once you dont talk to them for a while, the next thing you know they've changed. everyone changes in one way or the other. either due to circumstances or the growing level of maturity... it's scary. which is maybe why im so resistant to change. i strongly dislike change. im able to adapt, but i dont like to. i dont like changing classes, because even though it means that i'll make more new friends, in the process i lose some too. of course there's the "you can always keep in touch even though you're in different classes/ ccas" but it's not so easy. it's inevitable that people drift further away from others and closer to some. and i really cannot stand having to drift away from people, friends, family. it's like talking for a very long time is reduced to just a casual hi or bye. but change in inevitable eh. change is the only constant. ah i cant stand this, im having trouble translating my thoughts into words again.
everybody's changing- keane
you say you wander your own land
but when i think about it
i dont see how you can
you're aching, you're breaking
and i can see the pain in your eyes says
everybody's changing
and i dont know why
so little time try to understand
that im trying to make a move
just to stay in the game
i try to stay awake and remember my name
but everybody's changing
and i don't feel the same
you're gone from here and
soon you will disappear
fading into beautiful light
cause everybody's changing
and i dont feel right
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
